Losing a
child under ANY
circumstances is
absolutely devastating.
Regardless of whether the
child is 1 month in your
womb, 2 years old, 10
years or 50 years
old....it's devastating.
Many
people do not feel that a
child is a
"child" until
they are actually born. I
firmly and strongly
disagree with this. So
does God.
Why?
Because...God tell us,
that He knew us from the
time we were in the womb,
before we were even born.
When I was
carrying my son, six
weeks into my pregnancy
it was discovered that I
was carrying twins.
Within five minutes, I
found out that not only
was I carrying TWO
children, but that I was
also going to lose one
child. One of the
children was attached to
my tube.
Everything
happened so very quickly.
The doctor made it clear
that I had to have
surgury immediatley
because my life was in
jeopardy. I was given
just enough time to call
my husband to inform him
that he needed to come to
the hospital immediately.
I was escorted to surgury
by two nurses. One on
each side of my bed. The
anestethic was starting
to make me very tired.
But not too tired to
where I didn't hear one
say to other, "do
you think we should call
a clergy man in?" I
intervened and said,
"I DON'T THINK
SO!" I couldn't
understandy why they were
discussing matters as
though I were going to
die! It just didnt make
any sense!
Sometime
after surgery, I was
released to go home. I
was off work for six
weeks due to the surgery.
One afternoon, in the
quietness of my day
"things" began
sinking in. I had come to
the full realization that
I almost died. More
importantly...I realized
that I was not going to
behold the face of the
child I lost in this
lifetime.
My heart
began to sink. I couldn't
understand why God would
give me two
children...and take one
away! GOD! WHAT HAD I
DONE THAT WAS SO BAD!
Other women have 2 and 3
children...and everything
goes well! Here I am, an
absolute lover of
children and cherisher of
their souls...and I lost
one! Lord...I don't
understand.
I grieved
the loss of this child
for months. My husband
would find me in the
bedroom crying...and I
just couldn't tell him
the pain I was going
through. I couldn't even
talk about it! I would
say, "nothing is
wrong..I'm fine!" He
never pushed for answers.
One day,
again, he walked into the
bedroom, only to find me
crying...again. He walked
over and said,
"honey...what is
wrong?" I looked at
him through the tears
pouring down my face and
sobbed.."I don't
understand why God took
one of our children. I
DON'T UNDERSTAND
IT!!!" My husband
knows how very much I
love children. He shared
my pain so gently.
God spoke
to my heart just to let
me know that the child I
lost...was NOT
lost....the child was
with HIM! That brings
such comfort to my soul.
I know that no one can
watch over a child better
than our Father. Knowing
that God holds my child
in His hand allows me to
go on.
Celebrating
our sons birthday is joy,
because he IS a miracle!
When we all stand around
and sing Happy
Birthday it takes
every bit of energy
within me not to cry...as
I stand there and
remember the child that
isn't here with us too.
And each birthday, at one
moment during that
day...I will find a quiet
place to release the
tears...again. I long to
hold that child...and I
will...one day...in
heaven.